My Gift is Not…



My gift is not hospitality. It’s just not. Hospitality is opening up your house when there are dishes in the sink,  laundry in the wash, just enough food for one person (not even prepared), and lovingly opening up your home/ place to people to just come in and be welcomed.

Hospitality is not about making everything look perfect and be perfect (because perfect is not a thing), and being a complete crazy person until all is the unattainable perfection. Unfortunately I know what hospitality should be, but still yearn for the Instagrammable everything. As much as I wish true hospitality was a gift I excelled in, I’m still learning.

My last Women’s Day dinner was, once again, a lesson in true hospitality. I wanted it to be perfect. A good menu. Beautiful decor. A list of friends- not too many, but not too few. I planned everything. EVERYTHING! And as always, plans change. I did not plan to sit for 40 minutes in traffic leading up to the dinner- 40 minutes of precious prep time that all I could do was sit and fume.


I got to the house, and starting going crazy like a mad person! A few friends showed up early (planned), and I put them to work. SO thankful for sweet friends who will just pick up my mess and love me anyway. I should have been more thankful in the moment, but instead I was upset that they weren’t moving fast enough or having any sense of urgency. When other friends showed up early, I was even more mad that people had the audacity to come early- who does that- who shows up early? In the land of manana… no way. I chose myself, over love. I chose selfishness over being grateful to have such encouraging, serving women in my life who came early to help out.

Even as I reflect on the evening I have to remind myself to not be upset that no one got the ‘perfect photo’ of the beautiful table… or the best photo of the great decor. I have to remember the great conversations; the mingling of different friend groups; the time each woman gave up to spend their evening with me. THAT is the point of a great dinner party- not the food, not the money spent, and definitely NOT photos taken (but still, guys, come on…in a room full of millenials NO ONE TOOK A FREAKING PHOTO OF THE TABLE?)


I know that I want to be more hospitable. I want a spirit that just opens her heart and home to all, regardless of the aesthetic of the photos that could be taken. I’m praying for it. I’m searching for it. I’m trying for it… but until then I’ll just rely on the love of friends and their graciousness. ❤

Be reminded that behind the nice photos there is usually someone who sat in terrible traffic, cooked throughout the dinner party, and is still upset (weeks later) that nothing went as planned. 😉





Why I Need Flowers


Flowers remind me of my mom (she’s still alive… just to clarify any confusion). My mom is a gardener, she’s a lover of growing new life and caring for it. She also believes in having fresh cut flowers in the house (and giving them to others!). I suck at gardening and did not get that from my momma. I did receive the fresh flower obsession though.

Fresh flowers comfort me. I look to them and I, not only appreciate the beauty and joy they provide to my desk or table, but I also hear my mom through them. When I’m having a great day and see the flowers, they remind me to call her. If it’s an ok day, I hear her telling me to appreciate the little happinesses of life. On the terrible days, the flowers whisper, “it’s ok,” to me. They remind me to take time to reflect. Most of all, when I look at flowers in good and bad, I hear my mom pointing me to Christ.

For the majority of my life, flowers whispered. Today they scream.

Currently my tulips and chamomile shout 2 Thessalonians 3:5. As I sit here contemplating what my dreams are, where I should be, or if I’m even passionate about anything, they should to go to God. That my heart’s conflicts are to be given to Christ. The more I go to Him, the more clear my purpose is. My purpose is to serve Him. On some days that seems so vague, like it’s not specific enough of an answer. But today the flowers yell it to me- as unclear about my career path, relationships, and life as I am- my steadfastness is is Christ! My focus should be in my pursuit of Him!

“May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God & to the steadfastness of Christ.”  -2 Thessalonians 3:5

I can sometimes dwell on my ‘sufferings,’ I know that they will only last a little while. And ‘a little while’ can mean a lot of different things. For flowers, ‘a little while’ is a week or so. And for us? In the scheme of eternity it can be years. Our sufferings can last a day or a century.

In my mind, a century of suffering doesn’t sound great, but in my spirit I trust in His grace. That the hope Christ has brought to us brings more light to my life than all the flowers in the world can. I can’t comprehend the trillions of years past that where I’m in His eternal glory. And the trillion years past that where I’m still there, apart from hurt and confusion. AND FOR ALL ETERNITY AFTER!

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” -1 Peter 5:10-11

I love that God can use flowers to connect me to Him. That He gave my mom the love of His creation that she could share with me. And I really love that His truth is bigger than my indecision and fear of the unknown.

What’s Your Dream Job?


I really like my job— I, however, do not like my director’s communication style (or lack of). Each time I ask for clarification, the message becomes more muddled. It’s to the point that after every conversation I send an email recapping the convo and what I believe my duties are for the project. AND HER EXPECTATIONS STILL CHANGE CONSTANTLY AND ARE NEVER EXPRESSED. She’ll say one thing in a meeting (which we have 875,785,321,000 of), change her mind, say she never said statement/goal A (even though they’re in the minutes), harp on statement/goal B, say statement/goal C to someone else (that you overhear, so now you think expectations are changed), and then throw you under the bus because you accomplished  goals B & C, but really she wanted A. Then schedule another meeting to talk about why you didn’t do A!

There are several other people in the office who have an issue with my director. In fact, to my estimation, everyone does except our CEO. When issues get brought up, our CEO continuously takes my director’s side. I’m sorry, if your turnover rate seems to be like two out of four people every year… I would start looking at the management and not berate millenials for their lack of professionalism (several of the employees who quit were millennials, a lot were not).

The disdain toward her is so severe that everyone talks about it. ALLLL THE TIME. SO MUCH COMPLAINING. I can’t take complaining without action. So I’ve tried to be active in doing my job well, and minimizing any miscommunication. It still sucks though.

Because I’ve expressed this frustration with a few friends, they’ve asked me to reevaluate my job. Loving your job isn’t enough. Loving your job is not enough.

Questions I’ve asked:

Question #1: Do I think the workplace drama will ever change? Answer no. I’m actually afraid to go to our HR person about it for fear that word will get out (because it has before) and more drama will be created. For example if I went to HR to ask for a Standard Operating Procedures manual for my department (so the rules are written down somewhere are can’t be changed for each person), I’m nervous our HR person would go to my director and say that I, personally, said this instead of it being anonymous. Then my director would be upset that I went “over her head” instead of coming to her (EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED A MILLION TIMES IN TEAM MEETINGS). The director will then go to the CEO to complain about how out of line it was for me to go to HR (WHAT?!!!!). Our CEO, ultimately would end up in my office asking why I went to HR, and inquiring about ALL the other drama I must be bringing to the team. And how the drama is being creating by millennials in the office, and our issues with authority. Not worth it. I don’t think the drama will go away unless the people go away.

Question #2: Can you talk to your National Organization? Answer yes. I’ve actually been informed that a few years ago National tried to get involved to do an overhaul of my chapter, but our CEO intervened and was able to convince National that she could stabilize the situations. I definitely can email the National Organization to inform them of the favoritism, lack of clear standards, ever changing communication, and internal drama going on.

Question #3: If you leave, what’s next? What is your dream job? I have no idea! I don’t have a dream job. I think that’s why I’ve been just ok (if that) at any job I’ve done. My heart isn’t in it. I like people. I like helping others, but I suck at the minute details of organizing, planning, and desk job tasks. I need my job to have different aspects so I don’t get bored or sucked into daydreaming. I would like my job to have set schedule so my evenings and weekends are not constantly being bombarded with work events. I think the most difficult part of people asking me this questions is I’ve realized I don’t have a dream.

I don’t have a dream. That sounds so depressing. My journey this year is to find my dream. I think as soon as I recognize what I want to do, I can take the steps to get there.

Now the question is… how do you find your passion/ dream?