dear alien parasite baby,


please be with Gayle & Patrick’s baby. help this baby grow into a healthy, healthy, healthy child of yours. sometimes with my job, i can get paranoid with health, and how that’s something that is so fragile and not in our hands. i pray that this child is the Chris Traeger of humans.

Lord, i pray that you place people in this child’s life to love them, and to guide them to You.

Father, i pray in challenging times that they know You are there, holding them. i ask you to protect them. there are so many times i look back at my life and am so thankful you were with me- that i have never been a part from you. i plead that this is true for this baby too.

i, selfishly, ask that this child likes me. i’m already so in love with this baby, and would really love if they loved me too.



Dear Alien Parasite Baby,

(*obviously not seriously calling a baby an alien parasite, but if you think about it, they kind of are…)


dear baby,

you are inside my sister right now. how incredibly strange is that? my sister who i grew up playing barbies with now has a little gummy bear sized human in her (yeah, those baby apps compare you to veggies/ fruits, but candy is so much better. that’s something i’ll unfortunately teach you when you’re old enough). so weird. so weird, and so lovely.

i just want you to know how loved you are. you are so loved. i just can’t even express that enough.

you didn’t make the cut to be the first born grandchild, so sorry about that. Nephew is definitely always going to be that. but if you could be a healthy girl, i would really love that. as much as i adore Nephew, and sending him boxes of cute little boy clothes, and fun toys- i just really want to play dress-up, tea parties….and barbies. i want to play barbies with you just like i played with  your mom. i would like that. (also if you’re a boy who’s in to barbies, that’s cool too.)

also, if you could stop making your mom so sick, that would be ideal. but if it’s an either/or situation…we all would like you to be healthy and strong. so if that means she has to deal with being bed-ridden and nauseous for the next 6 months… we’ll take it.  (although she’s a miserable sick person.)

speaking about your mom, there are a few things you should know about your parents…

-they’re crazy weird.

-they love Jesus

-they’re frugal in some ways, and not in others (i still don’t understand what they’re willing to spend money on, and what they’re not. but know this, if you really want something ask grandma & grandpa…or me)

-your parents tricked me into liking they were together. friends before dating. do that.

-your dad went through some phases- Permtrick, Fittrick, ect

-in the past, your mother dressed better than me. i don’t know when that switched, or how that happened. her fashion sense is still stronger, but she just doesn’t care on most days. that’s a good quality.

-your mom’s nicknames include Vanessa and Fushana

-they love you

-like a lot

you’re probably going to end up with a really cool hipster, presidential name. fingers crossed you’re cute. you will be annoyed by me, probably a million times before your 5th birthday. just know, it’s because you are loved.


Emo E (the best title a person can hold)


The Fish’s Death

I murdered a fish. I didn’t mean to though, I mean it’s not like I went fishing and KILLED a fish. No, this was an accidental murder.

If you’ve ever been so lucky to have me as your house-sitter, you know my motto is to leave the house cleaner than you found it. Who wouldn’t want me to watch their house?

Well, one time I was watching a house, whose owners I adore (and if they ever read this… I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.), and their fish tank looked DIRTY. Being the sweet person I am, I thought to myself, “Liz you’ve never cleaned a fish tank before, but the family cannot come home to a dirty tank. Also this fish must be miserable being in this gross tank. You will clean it.”

So I just started cleaning the tank. I don’t remember my thought process on this, but I do know I didn’t Google it. Me. The girl who Googles everything before doing anything or talking to anyone. I didn’t research it. WHY DIDN’T I GOOGLE HOW TO CLEAN A TANK?! WHY?!

I lifted the filter, with the large fish still in the tank… and gunk, goop, and grossness came pouring out. Out into the already dirty water. The water where the fish still was. I freaked out. FREAKED THE FREAK OUT.

I immediately typed into my phone how to clean a fish tank. (A little too late Liz, a little too late.) Guess what, you’re supposed to take the fish out of the tank before cleaning it. I then took the fish out. Genius move. I cleaned the tank to the best of my ability, which wasn’t very good.

After cleaning the disgusting tank (remember, all the gunk in the filter had come out and moved ALL over the 40 gallon tank, settled on the bottom under the tiny rocks, in-between crevices, just everywhere. Also, I couldn’t lift the tank (it was heavy. I am weak.), so basically I half-assed the cleaning job after poisoning the fish.

I put the fish back in the tank. I left the house to have a drink with a friend. I came back to the house… the house smelled LIKE DEATH. I refused to look at the tank, and then went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, the house still smelled like death. Guess why? BECAUSE THE FISH EFFING DIED IN THE GROSS WATER.

Fish are supposed to float when dead, right? THIS ONE DIDN’T. Guess whose arms don’t reach the bottom of the tank! (ME!) Also guess who refused to put her bare arms in the tank! (Me again!) AND guess what fish net didn’t reach the poor, gross, dead fish! (The only one I could find!) What’s a girl to do?

I’ll tell you. (Dear sweet Hammer family, please stop reading.) You use the plastic sleeves newspapers come in, wrap your arms in them twice, go to the kitchen (seriously, if you know the Hammers, please never tell them this), grab the longest tongs you can find, get a plastic Ziploc, and go get that fish out. (And then I stuck it in the freezer). You then freak out, call the family to let them know their fish died (and who knows why it did…), and ask them what to do with it. Their suggestion- just throw it away outside in the trash bin. (*I also boiled the tongs after that for sanitation.)

I then tried my hardest to really clean the fish tank. I mean after all, I’m a good house sitter.